Disney Classic Aladdin monologues
Merchant (Robin Williams)
Ah, Salaam and good evening to you worthy friend.Please, please, come closer–(camera zooms in, squishing his face) Too close, a little too close. (camera zooms back) There.Welcome to Agrabah. City of mystery, of enchantment…and the finest merchandise this side of the river Jordan, on sale today, come on down! Heh, heh. Look at this! Yes! Combination hookah and coffee maker, also makes Julienne fries. Will not break! (taps it on table) Will not! (it falls apart) It broke! Ooohhh! Look at this! (pulls out a Tupperware container) I have never seen one of these intact before. This is the famous Dead Sea Tupperware. Listen. (opens it and he makes the tupperware squeaky sound out of the corner of his mouth) Ah, still good. Wait, don’t go! I can see that you’re only interested in the exceptionally rare. I think then, you would be most rewarded to consider…this. (pulls the magic lamp out from his sleeve) Do not be fooled by its common place appearance. Like so many things, it is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts. This is no ordinary lamp! It once changed the course of a young man’s life. A young man who, like this lamp, was more than what he seemed. A diamond in the rough. Perhaps you would like to hear the tale? It begins on a dark night, where a dark man waits, with a dark purpose…
Aaaaahhhhh! OY! Ten-thousand years will give ya such a crick in the neck! Whoa! Does it feel good to be outta there! (pretends to have a microphone) Nice to be back, ladies and gentlemen. (to Aladdin) Hi, where ya from? What’s your name? Aladdin! Hello, Aladdin. Nice to have you on the show. Can we call you ‘Al?’ Or maybe just ‘Din?’ Or howbout ‘Laddi?’ (suddenly is wearing a kilt) Sounds like “Here, boy! C’mon, Laddi!” Do you smoke? Mind if I do? Oh, sorry Cheetah, hope I didn’t singe the fur! Hey, Rugman! Haven’t seen you in a few millennia! Slap me some tassel! Yo! Yeah! (high-fives carpet) Say, you’re a lot smaller than my last master. Either that or I’m gettin’ bigger. Look at me from the side, do I look different to you? That’s right, you’re my master! He can be taught!! What would you wish of me, (as Arnold Schwarzenegger) the ever impressive, (inside a cube) the long contained, (as a ventriloquist with a dummy) often imitated, but never duplicated….he multiplies into about 7 different Genies)…duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated…. Genie! Of! The Lamp! (as Ed Sullivan) Right here direct from the lamp, right here for your enjoyment wish fulfillment. Thank youuuuu! (back) You get three wishes to be exact. And ix-nay on the wishing for more wishes. That’s it, three. Uno, dos, tres. No substitutions, exchanges or refunds. Master, I don’t think you quite realize what you’ve got here! So why don’t you just ruminate, while I illuminate the possibilities!